It is shocking to see that adults are damned to stay as they are. Only children are supported to learn something new, but once they threw you into the world of the adults to go out and earn your own money, all support is gone. It seems they just intended to educate you as far as you need to earn tax payers’ money for paying taxes and buying commercial crap. But they do not support you to become a mature personality.

Of course there is self-education, but that is limited to technical things (electronics, computing, …) and does not help to overcome social problems (because of fear to learn what one wants to learn).

And of course, there is experience, but that does not help you to learn social things either, as they only allow you to gather experience (on the job) in areas where you already have some qualifications so that they can hire you. Also people will fear to accept a job that they fear to fail in (as it is about something they need, and maybe want, to learn yet).

And also, there are adult education services, but that is expensive, totally inefficient, and people do not have the time for it. Instead, education must be integrated into daily life.

Might this be a solution: we need hackerspaces for education in technology, and intentional communities for education in social and self governance skills, both with a semi-formal mentoring and evaluation program.

Today’s new verbalization for my life vision is: “The integrated lifestyle that I want to achieve and have permanently while I am on earth is three integrated elements:

  1. Xpedition community, a mobile, travelling, resilient, autarkic, effectively sovereign, powerful community of Christians and non-Christians, men and women, poor and rich alike, cross-secting races, cultures and languages, but only with special (nerdy, geeky etc.) persons who “want to live right”; also including some learning, vulnerable persons. The community is about the things that my own life is about then. Which is:
  2. international university teaching and research (esp. in developing regions) about such autarkic, sovereign, resilient communities, to help everybody achieve the same. And
  3. evangelizing: research and teaching about God in an authentic truth-seeking and truth abiding, hope-giving manner.”

This is such a beautiful, integrated vision, both technically, socially and financially doable 🙂 … in contrast to many versions before.

We hope to start living that way from 2015-01-01 on. Time will tell who will be “we”, the community.

Just made a strange experience … at two o’clock in the night, but nothing to frighten you. Read on. The background is, that I used the the last two days mainly for “tidying up my thoughts”. Most people will think this is a strange activity, and that my flat would need it more. Anyway. Practically it is, sorting through my mindmaps that contain all the “operational” information and decisions in my life. They are sort of an externalized part of my brain’s memory, slower but more precise. When tidying it up, I write down some latent decisions and re-structure stuff into life components, projects, tasks and journals. And I finish some blog post drafts with thoughts that troubled me lately … hence the several posts here today.

I did this “thought cleaning” a few times already, with the gap of some months in between. After it, mostly I have a good impression of the current state of my life. The same happened now, and the impression came just yet, after reading through my blogroll’s posts since long.

The crazy thing is, for the first time in life my mind feels both free and complete at the same time. Let me explain.

Most of my life, I had oriented myself towards a doctrinal system (a form of Christian fundamentalism) to feel “safe and complete” in mind about my conception of the world. Then, practical problems and critical thinking made this system more and more unliveable; that was around 2005-02. It coincides with my entry to the blogosphere, meant to think out loudly my critical thoughts and questions.

Since then, I felt more and more free in my thought life because I left more and more human authorities alone. But I did not feel complete at all, there were all these nagging questions and doubts. There are more than 200 blog posts since then, most of them detailing an aspect of this stuff, and together they document some hundred hours of reading and discussing. Nearly driving some of my friends mad with all my bugging questions 🙂

Ok, and what’s different now? In the last weeks, I found my position regarding a few of the most heavy questions (see posts “Why God might be silent“, “Deriving joy from meaning“, “Helping this world at system level?“). These answers also granted me a better basic mood and new motivation. And even better, these were the last bits to complete my position to the basic questions in life. Not that all this is necessarily true (it will develop), but for the first time, I feel “complete” in mind again. That feels good.

And now, looking through all those philosophical and theological blogs that had a huge influence on my thoughts before, I noticed that I got independent of them since my last visit. I still value most of them, but I have my own position now, for the first time a complete one. Which allows me to be independent.

I really don’t want to seem proud. I rather view this as a normal development: everyone, when becoming an adult, finds his or her own and complete position. This position is the  basic set of answers that they will use for the years to come. It may be logical or not, well-founded or clumsy: because it’s complete, because it’s a closed system, it can be defended. Adults normally don’t leave that position, as there’s no force that makes this necessary. Except for crisis experiences.

Now that I found my own position, only God can correct me. (I hope he will if necessary, as he did in 2004/2005.) I cannot see big problems in defending my position against people’s logic. This part of my adolescence is now about 10 years too late, but in compensation, very detailed and, as I think, well founded. And, as a special but unintended attribute, it’s a “free” (in the sense of “unique”) position: I have yet to find somebody else who holds a like set of answers regarding the basic questions of life. I seem to be a free thinker, but not as an end in itself: I just searched the answers.

With this part of “adolescence” finally finished, it seems that the next step is ahead: applying it, and teaching it. Also a normal development: every adult should be self-confident enough to teach his position to growing-ups, and to discuss it with other adults to publicly display its quality. There’s even an idea in my head how to apply and teach this stuff in a style that concords with the actual content (see also the post “Adult loneliness“): founding a mobile, high-power, educational-transformational community with native people in a developing country.

Of course, it feels good that these hard times of troubling myself with questions of all sorts are now over, for the most part. And I’m grateful to God for this!! But also, I fear that, if I err in an important issue, I am uncorrectable now. Which I really do not want to be … so if you think I am in error, talk to me and use good logic, and I will hopefully be able to see my error also and change … again.

Other people do sports, cook for themselves, maintain their health and beauty, keep their house clean and well-equipped, call and meet people, and work more than I do (so earning more money), and even watch TV and do games. I ave nearly no time for all that, on average.

Means my time goes somewhere instead. I finally find out where: thinking about things (includes blogging, mindmapping, idea management, authoring in general), sleeping (1-2 hours a day), perfectionism (being more exact in all I do than people are on average), and helping people. In that order.

Mmmh. I’d like to exchange sleeping and some perfectness and even some thinking for sports, socializing, a better household and better food, I think. In that order.

It is said that people in their late 20s undergo a crisis because they realize that they are not able to change the world. Me thinks, I am currently in an acute phase of that time. It actually drives me crazy to see dictators and / or aristocrats in Zimbabwe, Sri Lanka, Europe, basically all around the globe, misuse their might for their own advantage while the population is held captive, in unfree conditions, poor, ill, or else. Or, more precisely, it drives me nuts that I’m not able to change that to any meaningful degree (which means, 1% or more).

On (Mon) 2009-02-23, I … umh, say, attended a wedding. A wedding of my 4WD truck and its box body (German: “Kofferhochzeit”). That’s at least the jargon in my favourite 4WD truck forum. Then, on (Wed) 2009-02-25, the vehicle with its new body moved places and is now just below the window of my li’le flat. Very cool, because now I can work thereon whenever I’m bored of programming!

I’m gonna show you some pics of the “wedding”, but before, I need to place an “honorable mention” here: Micha, a friend of mine, really helped me in the substantial portions of preparing and executing the box body mounting. All the things that I either am not able to do or had too little experience yet: re-welding the box body subframe after decreasing its width, helping in the mounting procedure with that crazy lift station you see in the pics etc.. And, what was also very cool, he let me use his workshop and tools whenever I worked on the body or vehicle. And let me use parking spaces for the truck (for 3 months) and its body (for a year) before finally both went off together. Not to mention that he found both these perfect offers (box body and vehicle) on his journeys through mobile.de resp. autoscout24.de.

Well then, the pics:

This one shows the setup before the start of the body mounting.

Yay, cool lift. Comes in very handy.

Finished, but all the tools laying around in a total mess still … 

The truck just before it left its place on (Wed) 2009-02-25. The back flap came in handy already, to load all my tools and stuff in it.

I’ve wondered once and again why I have such a little level of motivation in my life, when comparing to others. It seems that I’m slowly getting to recognize the causes now. As, one cause seems to be: I did not allow me to be passionate about anything.

Why that? As a rational thinker, my worldview is very analytical and decompositional (it comes through e.g. in my post “Logicians also should accept themselves”). That is, the right way to live seems to me to do in every single moment what is “adequate”, where I mean with adequate: being the fitting answer or activity when taking into account the whole context. And the whole context includes: the world, a fallen one; God, a graceful one; ones own abilities; ones social contacts, … .

Now, this way of thinking is successful as far as this: it answers what is the best thing to do currently. For example, the whole Second Acts project thing developed that way … it deems me to be the most pressing question to answer. But: this mode of finding decisions does not necessarily lead me to do things that I’m passionate about. While I find the Second Acts project to be deeply necessary, I’m not passionate about it. I would not do it for its own sake if there would be no necessity to do anything at all.

Even more strange, my attempt to do what is “adequate” made me even unlearn what is “being passionate about something”. I’m not passionate about computers. While I can program and could be good at it, it’s only a tool for me to do something else. I’m not passionate about money. It means nothing to me, and therefore I’m also unwilling to do a job that does not fit me. I’m not passionate about community. I once was (see my posts on Xpedition Community). But due to non-collaborative people and not finding any fellow members here in Germany, this passion “sleeps” now. I’m not passionate about women. (Well, ok, I readily admit there are exceptions 😉 ) But generally … how could it be adequate in a dying world to have a partnership as ones life content? And I’m not really passionate about God. That’s sad, yes. I mean, God is very important to me and I’d really really like to get closer to God and get to know him better. But I don’t have the passion to deal with spiritual things for their own sake all day long, like praying, talking with people about God etc.. Simply, it currently does not seem to me to be “paying off”, i.e. to be rewarding or of any effect that would indeed make me know God better. It can even leads to more frustration … like seeing and experiencing the non-ideal, all-too-human state of the church first-hand.

Now, how comes that I’m talking about passion when I say here that I dunno what being passionate is all about? Because, I made an interesting experience in, say, the last two weeks: at times, when building my expedition vehicle, there was a strange feeling inside me. Yesterday, I realized it is passion … to build an expedition vehicle and live in it life-long. This passion keeps me going to build this thing, providing all the patience and force to do it! It even kept me up until 4:30am this morning, reading in internet forums about 4×4 trucks. I’m stunned …

Umh … and now? Until now, I did not allow me to be passionat about material / non-spiritual things, as I would not think it to be adequate to work so intensively for stuff that will pass away along with this world. But, seeing that being unpassionate leads to a lack of motivation, and, that way, to not working at all, I’m not sure about this whole thing now … . Also, I don’t know anymore what God would recommend … . So, comments welcome, as every time.

So, sigh. It seems that I’ve that hard tried to override my human behavior with logic behavior that I lost passion on the way, and motivation with it, for anything whatsoever. I seem to be in an impasse: I neglected that humans need motivation to do anything, and that real motivation comes from passion only, not logic.

By the way, what exactly is being passionate? People say, you can only be really good in the things you’re passionate about. Basically, being passionate is having a hobby: you care for something that is not yourself, and feel well if it is well. So, caring for something else “falls back” on you and helps in your emotional well-being. Part of this effect, of course, comes from the fact that the things you care for can indeed help you do better in the physical world (in my case: an expedition vehicle provides accomodation, transportation and shelter).

To conclude, something for you to chew on. Let’s take the above definition of being passionate and transfer it to the pair relationship topic. You can only be good in a pair relationship, only have a good pair relationship, if you care for your partner for her / his own sake, that is, because you’re passionate about her / his well-being. If your partner is well off, you feel well; not only, but also because your partner then has the strength to do you well. This might be what they call love.